She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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