You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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