I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
