did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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