we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
