I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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