Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
