I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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