peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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