the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
