last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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