Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
