Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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