I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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