don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
me + whiskey = a bad person
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
