today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
