Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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