I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
My ATM looks so different sober.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
