PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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