Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
