What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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