I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
