We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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