I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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