Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
