I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
