marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Randomize
