please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
