They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
