There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
