i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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