Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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