Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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