I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
