You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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