Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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