bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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