I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
