some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
