why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
zippers are such a cool invention
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
