I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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