My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
