You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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