I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
