woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
