from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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