Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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