I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
