I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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