While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
