My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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