she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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