Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
