It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
